Sell? Tell!
The fine art of unloading shit.
Above, holding a 1965 Plymouth Trouble Shooting Contest trophy (Third Place!), is Andy, just one of many happy customers (but the only one that owns a Batmobile, which I saw fueling up on Route 3 eastbound one time) during my wildly successful 3-day That Cave Sell-Off Vintage Garage sale this past weekend. Andy bundled $200 worth of assorted motorhead memorabilia, which I gladly parted with.1
I wasn’t expecting much from this sale, since the previous one in June 2024 was a bust. But this time I took the advice of my friend Sharon, local estate sale expert and owner of Sixth Street Vintage in Hoboken (where I’ll be filling in this Saturday), and listed the sale on EstateSales.net. Neighbor Susie Felber of Weehawken Gazette fame also ran my ad (and helped immeasurably on Day 1), bringing the sale to the attention of Caren Lissner, novelist and local Patch correspondent, who stopped by and interviewed me for an article.
The end result was amazing: I made enough for a nice European vacation but – more importantly – put great items into the hands of those who appreciate them, met lots and lots of cool people (some of whom are neighbors) and got tons of languishing stuff out of my garage and basement.
Huge thanks to everyone who came out and plunked down their cash, PayPal, Venmo or Zelle and special thanks to Sharon (who also helped set up and hang signs around town), Susie, Matt Barteluce of Empowerment Academy Charter School and Guttenberg Arts for Day 2 help and neighbor Jam Verona for the Day 3 assist.
The most frequent question asked this weekend remains the same from my That Cave days: “Where do you FIND all this stuff?!”
Second most frequent question: “Do you do this every weekend?”
Most sought-after item: VCRs and cassette decks. People, unless you’re willing to do the maintenance yourself, moving parts and tapeheads will wreck your mind. Screw the “Stranger Things” nostalgia.
Most heartening customers: The high-schoolers who detoured on the way home and had a true appreciation for all the “old stuff.”
Most adorable customers: The little kids who usually left with a vintage toy.
Most annoying trend: The customers doing a video call the entire time, with someone on the far end researching whether something was “worth” buying to flip. Jesus. Whatever happened to buying something because it speaks to you?
Most interesting customer: The émigré whose family essentially kidnapped him from soon-to-be-Communist Cuba circa 1959.
Worst customer: The Day 2 guy who was still looking up every last one of my 7” singles on his phone as I repeatedly told him I was closing up, then preceded to haggle with me over the worst song KISS ever produced, balking at the $5 price, saying “I’ll give you three dollars.”
Consider me triggered, laggard!
Saying “I’ll give you…” to me is like saying Susquehanna Hat Company! It takes all my self-control to not go all Slowly I turned… Like I jokingly told that high school kid who said I’ll give you thirty dollars for the DJ mixer I priced at $120, “You’re bad at bargaining.” Remember my secret phrase: Any flexibility on this? Or use the alternate: Any wiggle room?2
The other thing people are bad at is knowing what shit is worth.
A woman in Glen Rock, NJ who couldn’t make it to the sale messaged me via Facebook and wanted to know if I’d perhaps help her sell her mid-80s Electrolux vacuum cleaner and utterly roached Steelcase chair. During a busy day while I tried to further clean up after the sale, I went down this bottomless rabbit hole with her, writing back and forth repeatedly about her items and why they probably weren’t worth the prices she was conveying.3 She kept arguing with me and I finally said Take your vacuum to the local vacuum shop and see if they’ll give you store credit. The chair? I went into detail about the proper way to restore it:
If you DIY it you’ll spend hours stripping off the old paint, doing some rust remediation, repainting it properly and then finding some fake leather and reupholstering the back and seat. If it was mine and I truly loved it, I’d take it to my powdercoater in Kingston, NY, have it media-blasted, primed and powder-coated silver. Then I find an old-school upholsterer and have the back and seat done properly. It’d probably cost $300 to $500.
She got a bit upset with me – It was my father’s chair and I don’t want to just throw it out! – and offered it to me for free (And maybe you can sell the vacuum cleaner on consignment?). I almost agreed to both, then I came to my senses. I told her I’d just spent three days getting stuff OUT of my house, including several “projects” I never got to, and I just couldn’t take her stuff. Sorry.
For that lady I’m rerunning my Unload It All Primer, which originally ran in my old newsletter, See You Next Tue!:
The Fine Art Of Unloading
In a never-ending quest to unload, I’ve been selling online and in-person a long time and offer this primer based on decades of experience.
I WHO HAVE NOTHING
We all want to unload shit that’s broken, missing parts and doesn’t work. Don’t let me dissuade you. But you’ll earn less. I may be handier than most but still can’t understand not spending time and/or money to get something working, maximizing your return. Refusing to do minor repairs (“Truck needs brakes”) could also be a red flag. Remember: the most powerful selling phrase you can invoke is “Needs nothing.”
BLURRED LINES
Take time to shoot the best pictures/videos possible. Too many online listings are doomed by crap photos. Avoid handheld shots if possible. Most of my pictures are taken with an iPhone, so I bought a magnetic attachment that mates with any camera mount. Most online sites allow for copious pictures, so document any flaws in what you’re selling and include video (they’ve risen in prominence and are especially apt for demonstrating anything with moving parts). If selling in person at flea market, swap meets, etc., put your wares on folding tables and take time to optimally display them. I’ll avoid any vendors who spread their crap out on the ground, leave it stuffed inside boxes or put out so much tonnage it’s impossible to navigate. Curate your junk: hold some back for next time if necessary.
EXPRESS YOURSELF
Write complete descriptions and include all details. I’m forever amazed by those selling furniture they haven’t measured, for instance. No potential seller should need to message and ask “How big is this?” Provide length, width and depth. If you know the approximate weight, include it or add something like “This is a heavy piece and will require several people to move.” The more detail your description includes, the better you’re protected against a buyer complaining “It’s not as described!” Point out everything wrong. If a site allows grading, be honest: don’t describe something in poor condition as “Good.” And be sure to mention “From a smoke-free home” if true: I personally can’t stand when sellers leave this out, I forget to ask and something arrives stinking of cigarettes. Avoid using the emerging artificial intelligence tools to write your descriptions (EBay now offers this). If my experience is typical, the writing is florid, robots gilding your lily with unneeded paragraphs. I’ve been known to cut-and-paste from listings for similar items but will always rewrite for maximum impact. Be sure to set all terms in your description, including how you’ll ship, whether you offer local pickup, etc. If you’re selling in person you might try being, umm, personable. Strike up a conversation with a potential buyer: you’ll be amazed at how much more willing they are to go in pocket if they feel comfortable with you.
PROTECT YOUR NECK
If you sell in person or offer local pickup for online sales, you should be comfortable interacting with randos who may or may not be mentally defective. If you prefer not to share your address, agree to meet in a highly-trafficked public place. I’ll also deliver items within a small radius if properly compensated (looking at you, Tyco slot-car schmuck).
TAXMAN
The IRS will soon (the new regulations were delayed due to the pandemic) expect sellers to report online and in-person sales as income, paying resultant taxes. Many states already have a threshold above which you must submit sales tax (New Jersey’s is a paltry $600 a year). Some in-person venues won’t allow you to vend without proof of a taxpayer number.
SHIP OF FOOLS
Having done time as a shipping clerk (Eventide–Little Ferry, NJ), I know how to properly pack items to arrive intact. I remain mystified over those utterly clueless about packaging choice (a cereal box is not suitable for shipping anything but cereal), void fill (packing material necessary to keep items from shifting), proper postage (buy a scale if shipping from home), etc. Packing shit up and sending it out is a huge pain in the ass but no excuse for cutting corners. I keep an assortment of boxes and packing material in the office closet and aim to send out items within 24–48 hours of payment (any longer and you risk antsy buyers). In-person selling doesn’t have the same challenges but which is worse: boxing up and shipping stuff or lugging it all to a venue where it will need to be displayed and priced?
ONLINE PLATFORMS
EBAY
BEST FOR: Buyers outbidding each other on the unique, rare and desirable.
I’ve been on EBay almost 25 years and bought and sold everything on the platform, up to and including vehicles (bought: 1983 Mercedes-Benz 300D; sold: 1987 Jeep Wrangler). EBay’s been around since the dawn of e-commerce, its reach is global and adequate guardrails are in place to protect from scams, non-paying buyers, etc. You can do it all within EBay’s ecosystem, including purchasing discounted shipping labels and supplies. You’ll also pay for the privilege. EBay’s fees have steadily risen over the years and they now collect State sales tax by law. Forking over a decent chunk of profits is the price of entry but EBay began as an online auction site and its distinct advantage emerges when selling the unique, rare and desirable. Set a reasonable reserve (the lowest price you’ll accept, determined after researching recent similar sales) and often two or more buyers will bid against each other. I’ve had auctions skyrocket in the final hours due to “sniping” (last-minute outbidding), a truly satisfying feeling. I’m willing to pay more if I’ll earn more. But no matter how much you sell on EBay, know they’ll usually default to the buyer if a dispute arises. It takes little more than remorse to trigger a return and accompanying refund if a buyer invokes the blanket “Item not as described” complaint (like the schmuck who felt I ought to deliver his Tyco slot-car set to Manhattan for free and not the $16 cost of a round-trip ferry ticket). I’m also not fond of EBay’s accounting tools. Figuring out what fees you’re being charged, for instance, takes some doing and it often feels EBay deliberately makes uncovering basic info difficult.
MARKETPLACE
BEST FOR: In person, cash-in-hand sales of larger items and those you prefer to not ship.
Marketplace, baked into Facebook, has grown rapidly in user base and functionality since launching in October 2016. Initially geared toward local in-person cash-in-hand sales and charging no fees or collecting sales tax, Marketplace increasingly positions itself as an EBay killer. You can now ship and accept electronic payments within Marketplace while paying neglible fees (if you ship, Marketplace will also collect state sales tax). But buy and sell at your own risk: it remains the Wild West of online platforms, with rampant scamming and scant protections in place for legitimate users when things going wrong. Still, for expediency’s sake and to pocket more dollars, I’ll often list something on Marketplace first. Then I’ll brace myself for the inevitable “Is this still available?” scammers. Before replying I always check Facebook profiles for obvious red flags: recently joining the platform, no pictures or other details, a location nowhere near, etc. I’ve done well on Marketplace selling bulky, heavy items (JBL PA speakers, vintage audio and stereo gear, furniture, etc.) and those I prefer not to pack. Cash is still King and income that can be reported… or not (NJ taxes any online sales above $600 a year).
REVERB
Best for: Audio & music gear with a set price.
Reverb has rapidly become my favorite online platform for selling audio and music gear, thanks to its great user interface and reasonable fees. Their price guides help you research an item’s value based on a history of sales (like EBay, you can also search recently sold items but the price guide is a truer picture). Creating a listing is easy and-again, like EBay–you can utilize their database templates. Reverb’s not an auction site but has an option to allow potential buyers to send offers. You can then counter until arriving at an agreed upon price. Another option is for local pickup, useful if you’re in a well-populated area. Everything I’ve listed on Reverb has sold quickly, sometimes within hours. To date I’ve only had one negative experience: a return based on a buyer insisting a guitar pedal I graded as in “Very Good” condition was only in “Good” condition (again, be advised to err on the side of grading caution).
IN-PERSON VENUES
FLEA MARKETS/SWAP MEETS/ETC.
Several times I’ve sold at the Asbury Park Punk Rock Flea Market, the New Meadowlands Market, the Strange Xchange in Montclair, NJ and various WFMU Record Fairs. I’ve always done well. But in-person selling is a shit-ton of work. You’ll need to pack everything (including tables and chairs if the venue offers none) into your vehicle, arrive early to set up and fend off early birds (at the Meadowlands Flea I hadn’t rolled to a stop before fellow venders were clamoring to go through my stuff, all so they could resell whatever they’d buy at a markup). Doing an in-person sale alone is ill-advised: who watches your table when you need to hit the head or get a meal? Relying on fellow vendors to cover you is a crap-shoot. Some are surly as hell, others are too distracted with their own tables. And no one has a price sticker on absolutely everything, so you’ll lose potential sales if someone’s saying “He’ll be right back…” The only reason I’d go back to the flea is the ability to unload a whole bunch of shit in one fell swoop. Selling online is time-consuming and there’s always the potential for problems. At a flea market or similar venue you’ve committed to a few hours and no one’s insisting on returning something because it wasn’t as described. And the flea can be a nice hang: Sweet T. and I sold at the Mower’s Saturday Sunday Flea Market in Woodstock. It’s in a lush sylvan setting, as opposed to the Meadowlands and its treeless acres of hot asphalt. And those Woodstock hippies and hipsters went for what I was putting down.
Okay, good luck with your Sweetish Deaf Cleaning! I may do another sale at the end of the summer, some time around Labor Day, so stay tuned.
You may be wondering what this has to do with the Nihilistics. Well, as a band we were death-obsessed and I DID describe this sale as a “Swedish Death Cleaning.” There. Happy?
It occurred to me that “Wiggle Room” might’ve been a great name for my store because no one ever got That Cave right. They called it “The Cave” or “Bat Cave” because I was too clever by half. But then I searched Wiggle Room online and there’s a shit-ton of them, from a “2,000 square foot indoor children’s playground” to a bar on Ave. A in NYC. Yeesh.