I’m sitting on a low leather loveseat in the air-conditioned office of a detailing shop in Garfield, NJ, trying to crank out a NIHILISTIC on my iPad. Just before 9 AM I delivered my 1994 Mercedes-Benz E320 to get it fully-detailed and have pictures taken so I can sell it. As I wait for Sweet T. to come retrieve me, the current bears me back ceaselessly into the, like, past.
I’ve owned the E320 (named “Marlene” after Marlene Dietrich because its predecessor, my first Mercedes, a 1983 300D, was dubbed “Lily Von Shtup” after Madeline Kahn’s “Blazing Saddles” homage to Dietrich) since December 12, 2017 and we’ve been through some changes together. Most significantly, I opened and closed my antiques store, That Cave, in Saugerties, NY, running Marlene up and down the Thruway three or four times a week. It strikes me now as insane, how I abused poor Marlene (see gallery, above) by loading her down ala the Joads escaping Oklahoma. When the cavernous trunk could hold no more I’d spread a moving blanket over the back seat and fill the entire rear cabin footwell-to-headliner with whatever supplies or stock was being transported. Next would be the entire passenger seat area ‘til I was boxed in, leaving only enough room for me and my water bottle. Eventually, I tracked down a vintage OEM roof rack on EBay and paid the shipping to have it sent from Germany so I could further laden my executive-class sedan returning an already paltry 19 miles-per-gallon of Mercedes-stipulated Premium.
If I had any sense I would’ve unloaded Marlene while her mileage was still low and she wasn’t getting beat to hell serving as a pack mule. A small pickup truck or SUV would’ve made much more sense but, like Lily, my 300D, Marlene was fast, quiet, comfortable and reliable. She had no problem sustaining the 85 to 90 mph most drivers on the Thruway consider “doing what the traffic will bear” and I still marvel at the sole speeding ticket (pleaded down to a parking violation) I received in roughly 14 months of regular north-and-south runs. In the almost eight years I’ve owned Marlene I’ve come to appreciate the “Bulletproof Benz” (the W124 body style is considered the last of the “over-engineered” Mercedes vehicles from Stuttgart) mythology on a different level. Yes, Marlene is a solid car, able to cruise at Autobahn speeds for hours with no discernible effort. But she ain’t cheap to run. Keeping her “bulletproof” cost me nearly $22K during my ownership. I spent another $11K on 93 octane fuel. Despite this, and knowing what a pain-in-the-ass it is to own, maintain and insure two cars (Lily had a 3 or 4 month crossover with Marlene), I struggle with unloading a car I’ve come to love, warts and all. I seem to be in some state of denial that I own an almost-new electric vehicle and I struggle to say goodbye to Marlene.
But nothing is like it was in 2017 when Marlene came into my life by happenstance. Back then, Violet, the Elizabeth Taylor of cats, and Roger, King of Cats, weren't yet in kitty heaven. I still had a job that paid me well. Sweet T. hadn't retired. My father-in-law Frank, colleague Mojo Nixon and friend Jeremy Tepper were on this side of the soil. So were many other friends and acquaintances I don't dare list for fear of shocking myself into a memento mori stupor.
And in December 2017 Donald Trump hadn’t yet completed a full year of his first term, nor taken a hatchet to everything I cherish about America: our democracy. decency., empathy, rule of law, sense of fairness, leadership in the world. We knew it was bad but hadn't seen the sequel yet. Now the news arrives that Republicans passed their One Big Bullshit Bill and the dread feeling of doom hanging above me since January 20 descends even further. I preferred when there wasn't a total incompetent sociopath running things and I could focus on my own life. But I read today an astounding statistic: the cuts to US international aid alone could lead to 14 million unnecessary deaths around the world. Add in all those who died from COVID who might've lived if Donald Trump had endorsed masking and social distancing and he's on par with some of history's most murderous dictators. But according to Nate Cohn at the New York Times, even if the 80 million or so eligible voters who sat at the last election had voted, the result would've been the same: Donald Trump would've won. Wrap your fucking mind around THAT shit.
One of the ingredients fueling the Nihilistics was our disdain for "regular people." We saw them as selfish, cruel, incompetent, mean. You know, assholes. With our death obsession and black clothes we were acknowledging just how much everything sucked while avoiding the trap of thinking we could make it better. Of course we couldn't. The way to deal with assholes is to mock them relentlessly while doing whatever the fuck it is that sustains you. I plan to continue that tradition no matter how bad it gets. Oh, and I’ll keep marching and resisting even if I’m vastly outnumbered by assholes. Maybe after they lose all their medical and other Government benefits I’ll find them marching with me.
But I’m not holding my breath.